Bye, Mom

It's difficult for me to reconcile her grief at the loss of her mother with the horrific abuse her parents inflicted on her. (Mostly her father, to be fair, but with the full knowledge and consent of her mother.)

https://aella.substack.com/p/the-joy-is-not-optional

I think it’s very typical of post-rat and thus Aella that these things can exist at the same time and don’t invalidate or negate each other.

Well, this was horrifying, I can't believe people do this to their kids.

Thanks for the link. Yes, that does give pause for thought:

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For example: once, when I was eight years old, I’d done something wrong that warranted a spanking. My dad commanded me ‘come here.’ I hesitated, building up my willpower, before complying. He spanked me and let me go as I sobbed. He then said “You hesitated. That’s disobedience - come here to get another one.”

At this point I was in a lot of pain, and the effort it took to voluntarily subject myself to another one was now way more. It took me a few moments before I could force myself to approach again. He spanked me again, let me go, and as I sobbed, he told me again that I had hesitated, that this was disobedience, and that it warranted another.

By this point I was in even more pain, and it took even greater effort to overcome my body’s desire to flee or fight. And so again, there was a few second delay. And so he did it again.

He did again eleven times. And when he told me the twelfth time to approach, something in me completely broke. It didn’t matter that my body was now in overwhelming agony - possibly the greatest pain I’ve experienced in my life - the only way to make it stop was to abandon my will entirely, to become a mindless obedience creature that would walk straight into the fire instantly when commanded. So I did, he spanked me one last time, and then he stopped.

Yikes. The “funnel,” the requirement for instant obedience… this gave very https://elan.school vibes.

That was horrifying to read, but I guess this part explains it:

> I ultimately came to terms with my childhood by viewing it as correct. Not in the sense that I would do it to my children, or that it’s ethical by my lights, but rather that it makes sense, it belongs here. My dad was abused when he was a child and probably has NPD; my mom loved us and tried very hard but was misguided in how to show it.

"[Human beings] were mysterious congeries of twisted will and error, misapprehension and misrepresentation, and the expected could not be expected of them." -- Paul Fussell, Jr.

Stories like this are why there should be competency tests before letting people be fertile.

Ah yes, eugenics, that’ll make everything better.

"Competency tests" is not eugenics. It's not about heritable characteristics.

It's similar to requiring an eye test before one can get a driver's licence.

Driving is privilege, not a right.

The outcome of what’s being suggested comes with all the same issues and evils of genetic eugenics. Think of how fucked up things would have to get to even police and enforce such a nightmarish system. It’s absurd.

For the record, I'm not backing the idea. Just pointing out that it's not eugenics.

By the way, everything is a privilege in a modern society governed by laws. The state has the power to take children away from abusive parents. Do we think that's also a violation of a basic human right? Why not?

When I used to work with abused kids long ago I recognized that a lot did not make sense when I talked to them. I realized later in life that remained the case for many in adulthood. Outside those who completely disconnect from their families I think it's hard for most of us to understand.

I always assume humans, even those abused, still have those same experiences, and even positive connections to family even within the cloud of abuse ... it makes things confusing for the rest of us I think but I think humans are driven to find those bits of connection regardless how our parents behave.