Caring for yourself while caring for others

i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues.

unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).

couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.

it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.

I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support.

Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing.

Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.

I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities.

I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping.

I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help.

[1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries.

[2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

> I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

(Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.)

Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk.

Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you.

Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition.

Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.