Caring for yourself while caring for others

I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support.

Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing.

Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.

I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities.

I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping.

I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help.

[1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries.

[2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

> I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

(Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.)

Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk.

Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you.

Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition.

Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.

I'm in the same situation. She refuses any treatment.

I learned too late that mental illness may be a reason but it's never an excuse for behavior.

Make sure you keep your cup (and your childrens if applicable) full before you do anything to fill hers. Otherwise you will wake up one day miserable, fat and poor.

I'll give you the advice I wish I had a decade ago:

I'd recommend walking away. BPD isn't really treatable. Many mental health professionals refuse to take BPD cases. My wife(separated) sued her therapist (lost, he didn't do anything wrong) and declared herself cured as an example.

You likely aren't abandoning them to be alone, infidelity is almost certain with BPD. It would be shocking if they didn't have someone local they are seeing.

Cut off all contact and block them on everything. They will make lots of threats that they don't intend to carry out and eventually move on to the other people they are courting.

> What do people need?

People need money. Being a caregiver is financially devastating because those who need the care often exceed their means, and society expects caregivers to pick up the tab. We've emphasized quantity of life over quality of life; that diminished quality of life often comes not only in the form of physical and emotional suffering, but also impoverishment.

And in the US, caregiving about to get even more financially devastating as the ACA is either repealed or gutted.

Me and my wife were long distance too, through the worst of it, and during covid (Brazil to Europe).

There's certainly advice I can give , or at least experience I can share. It's a pity we can't message on this platform so if you want to send me an email to flatnailedfeatherlessbiped@proton.me, we can chat there

You are deeply wrong here. And this is recklessly dangerous advice to give here with so little information on their situation. You should delete your comment.

I'm sorry you didn't manage to fix your situation but you can't generalize this. BPD is a complex, varied mental illness that does respond well when treatment is pursued (e.g. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/).

Read some real life accounts of victims of BPD individuals here for contrast: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

I thought I was special as well. I wasn't and neither is anyone else posting there.

> but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

I have no special psychology experience but this feels like a red flag to me. Guilt is not a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship with someone. You deserve a partner that supports your needs as well. There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.

I am so sorry. I see you. My wife is bipolar, HSP, ADHD… it’s called severe mental illness for a reason.

I was eating blue pills for 20 years. I finally took the red pill and realized it wasn’t going to change, we weren’t going to find a magic cocktail, she isn’t going to find stability. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with no option c. It is miserable.

The airlines have it right, ‘Put on your mask first.’ If you are hypoxic , you can’t help anyone. Care giving is all about self care.

Well Said and Good Advice.