Caring for yourself while caring for others

This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal.

Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.

That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.

Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.

> 4. Be gentle with yourself

> It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them.

I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role.

Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.

I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)

It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. Truth is none of those things matter. What matters most is you did the best you can for them and that you were just there for them.

Thank you for posting this. <3

Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress, helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being.

In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS).

Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.

sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear. thanks for posting.

unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.

That does truly does suck. There may be some resources available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare, hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can’t get your dad into assisted living or don’t want to do so.

Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup, school, etc.

Most of it is also good advice in general.

Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s something I think about a lot as my parents/in-laws age (I’m 40 and parents all in their 70s in decent health but feels like a matter of time… already a few cancer scares).

I’m curious if you work with a therapist at all. Seems like a lot of what you mention struggling with, it could be helpful to have that weekly neutral observer to talk to.

Sidebar: great advice on planning for my own late life care. The analogy I always hear is “put your own mask on first” when it comes to financial planning. Paying for college / weddings / down payments on houses for the kids would be great, but far more important to make sure financial retirement goals are being met for myself first.

I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not.

Good ideas but as with so many things, easier said than done.

My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my partner started (around 2 weeks ago)

Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life.

Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible.

Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense.

I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.

Absolutely right, and I’d define that sort of job as a caregiving role as well. A team, organisation, charity or club can be a dependent and it can feel impossible to walk away if you’re deeply invested.

Perfectly timed article ! I went through this last month, had a major panic attack and realized I had totally forgotten about myself. First thing I started doing was focus on physical health as that works faster and is easier to manage than mental health.

Dr K covers this as well. He is amazing, as amazing as Dr Mate. He has a podcast and his YouTube videos on diary of a ceo are life changing.

Also his book on gaming addiction is one of the best I’ve ever read. And it is not just about gaming addiction. It’s a user manual for your mind.

My partner died of cancer when our daughter was one and half years old. The year before that was a blur, I quit my job to focus on helping the two.

Brutal is a good word to describe it. Hang in there! Your life might get better yet some time in the future...

I'm have relatives in the elder care industry and I've been a caregiver myself. This options presented here are laughable.

Modern medicine has extended lifetimes so that people spend an extraordinary amount of their lives in a state where they are miserable and helpless. The less fortunate among us do not have the resources or the options to accommodate them and so spend years in desperation.

The effect of this list is to inspire guilt and feed despair in people beyond the end of their rope: some you're somehow not making it work, while apparently others are. You must be a bad person.

i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues.

unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).

couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.

it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.

Thanks for sharing this. I used to care for my grandma back home (Alzheimer’s), but the financial burden is brutal. I moved countries so I could be able to afford caring for her but ended up leaving the large part of the physical work for my mom and sister. Thankfully I can now afford to support her financially much more, including paying for a dedicated nursing home nearby my moms.

I’m 35 now and keep wondering how future is gonna be as I have no kids and no desire in having them (also not wishing them a life where they would have to care for me)

I’m trying to keep my health up now and dedicating more time for it so I can hopefully hold the fort.

I wish you the best for you and your father.

People in these situations should learn about codependency.

Although most people think of codependency in terms of unhealthy love relationships, it is also common for caregivers.

The idea is NOT that you should stop caring, or walk away.

It is sort of adopting a "healthy neutrality" frame of mind, and give/function well.

I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support.

Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing.

Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.

"Codependent no more" - Melanie Beattie. Changed my life.

Same here, I'm quite a bit younger but my living situation and finances are also determined by taking care of my elderly parents. It's a lot different culturally than my surrounding peers who either don't have parents as old or don't bother to care for them in the same way.

It changes who I can spend time with and what I can do, and required me to grow up a lot faster than it seems like those around me. I didn't have the same amount inviting random people over, hosting house parties, or going out for drinks the same way, which I sometimes wish I got to do more of. But we play the cards we are dealt and try to do the most right for ourselves and the people around us I guess!

Fellow man pushing 50 here. I'm caring for my mom who has COPD and is starting to show signs of dementia. She lives a couple hours away and I just started a job that's 3-4 hours in the opposite direction, so I'm balancing a long-distance weekly commute along with weekly trips to cook, clean, do shopping, etc. Due to how this eats up most of my free time, it's actually made me better at squeezing "self care" into my schedule since it's become clear that it's not something I can defer to later, since "later" may not come for several years.

It's not at the same level as your dealing with, so I'm writing this mostly to offer support and to be glad that you've found some activities to help center you. I do encourage you to try to find some help, even if it's just for some small part of the care, like cleaning, shopping, bathing, whatever.

I've been a caretaker off and on for about half a decade now. I also have chronic often debilitating illnesses. Sometimes we are both in inoperable states and it can be scary. My ability to work remote is probably the reason we aren't on disability or in the gutter.

Not looking for pitty or kudos I work hard and pay the bills. I only want everyone to take a deep breath before they crap all over someone at work, or sniff at a resume. You never know what someone's situation is. Usually that's when someone has to leave to recover because corporate structure doesn't support disappearing for a week when PTO has run out.

Always nice to see content like this come up. It's a struggle to do self care. Wrote something about this last week because I've been struggling for awhile too.

https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-h....

I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities.

I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping.

I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help.

[1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries.

[2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

Speaking as someone who was the sole caregiver for both my parents, one of whom had a truly awful Alzheimer's journey, I find the bullet points in this listicle rather aggravating.

Take time for yourself? Get help? Take a break? No shit. Now tell me how. If I had the money, resources, or available other people to help share the load, I wouldn't have been where I was.

Most caregivers are in this situation because they're it, the last line of defense. The isolating, overbearing difficulty comes from knowing what you need, and not having the resources to get it. The article has real "Are you starving? Try eating food!" energy.

> I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

(Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.)

Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk.

Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you.

Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition.

Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.

Surely further privatizing health and elder care is the answer!

Our glorious president elect even leads by example, repeatedly recommending his nephew illegally euthanize a disabled son. If only we all had fathers like Trump Sr., to make us tough and hard men who will either 'succeed' (bankruptcy doesn't count!) or be driven to alcohol and suicide.

Can't have that filthy socialist communism infecting the minds of the young! /s

If that 20% does not include those raising kids, then it's crazy high. People should be free to live their own lives and make their own choices. And those with nurturing instincts should be well compensated to care for those we can't or won't tend to 24-7. No one should be alone with around the clock care of another human.

Of course we should all pitch in with whatever capacities we do have. But it must not be all consuming. And not block off our own opportunities to a life of our own.

I'm in the same situation. She refuses any treatment.

I learned too late that mental illness may be a reason but it's never an excuse for behavior.

Make sure you keep your cup (and your childrens if applicable) full before you do anything to fill hers. Otherwise you will wake up one day miserable, fat and poor.

I'll give you the advice I wish I had a decade ago:

I'd recommend walking away. BPD isn't really treatable. Many mental health professionals refuse to take BPD cases. My wife(separated) sued her therapist (lost, he didn't do anything wrong) and declared herself cured as an example.

You likely aren't abandoning them to be alone, infidelity is almost certain with BPD. It would be shocking if they didn't have someone local they are seeing.

Cut off all contact and block them on everything. They will make lots of threats that they don't intend to carry out and eventually move on to the other people they are courting.

> What do people need?

People need money. Being a caregiver is financially devastating because those who need the care often exceed their means, and society expects caregivers to pick up the tab. We've emphasized quantity of life over quality of life; that diminished quality of life often comes not only in the form of physical and emotional suffering, but also impoverishment.

And in the US, caregiving about to get even more financially devastating as the ACA is either repealed or gutted.

Me and my wife were long distance too, through the worst of it, and during covid (Brazil to Europe).

There's certainly advice I can give , or at least experience I can share. It's a pity we can't message on this platform so if you want to send me an email to flatnailedfeatherlessbiped@proton.me, we can chat there

You are deeply wrong here. And this is recklessly dangerous advice to give here with so little information on their situation. You should delete your comment.

I'm sorry you didn't manage to fix your situation but you can't generalize this. BPD is a complex, varied mental illness that does respond well when treatment is pursued (e.g. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/).

Read some real life accounts of victims of BPD individuals here for contrast: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

I thought I was special as well. I wasn't and neither is anyone else posting there.

When I watch my sister talking with my mum about health problems, I'm aware that - as a man (and a programmer) - I repeatedly fall into the trap of 'trying to find a solution'. So I humbly suggest to all the other men/programmers out there who are caring for someone else, always try first to acknowledge what someone is saying to you, rather than trying to jump straight to a solution, because the latter can sometimes appear to be ignoring that person's feelings or condition, or failing to acknowledge them.