Caring for yourself while caring for others

This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal.

Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.

That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.

Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.

That does truly does suck. There may be some resources available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare, hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can’t get your dad into assisted living or don’t want to do so.

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s something I think about a lot as my parents/in-laws age (I’m 40 and parents all in their 70s in decent health but feels like a matter of time… already a few cancer scares).

I’m curious if you work with a therapist at all. Seems like a lot of what you mention struggling with, it could be helpful to have that weekly neutral observer to talk to.

Sidebar: great advice on planning for my own late life care. The analogy I always hear is “put your own mask on first” when it comes to financial planning. Paying for college / weddings / down payments on houses for the kids would be great, but far more important to make sure financial retirement goals are being met for myself first.

Thanks for sharing this. I used to care for my grandma back home (Alzheimer’s), but the financial burden is brutal. I moved countries so I could be able to afford caring for her but ended up leaving the large part of the physical work for my mom and sister. Thankfully I can now afford to support her financially much more, including paying for a dedicated nursing home nearby my moms.

I’m 35 now and keep wondering how future is gonna be as I have no kids and no desire in having them (also not wishing them a life where they would have to care for me)

I’m trying to keep my health up now and dedicating more time for it so I can hopefully hold the fort.

I wish you the best for you and your father.

Same here, I'm quite a bit younger but my living situation and finances are also determined by taking care of my elderly parents. It's a lot different culturally than my surrounding peers who either don't have parents as old or don't bother to care for them in the same way.

It changes who I can spend time with and what I can do, and required me to grow up a lot faster than it seems like those around me. I didn't have the same amount inviting random people over, hosting house parties, or going out for drinks the same way, which I sometimes wish I got to do more of. But we play the cards we are dealt and try to do the most right for ourselves and the people around us I guess!

Fellow man pushing 50 here. I'm caring for my mom who has COPD and is starting to show signs of dementia. She lives a couple hours away and I just started a job that's 3-4 hours in the opposite direction, so I'm balancing a long-distance weekly commute along with weekly trips to cook, clean, do shopping, etc. Due to how this eats up most of my free time, it's actually made me better at squeezing "self care" into my schedule since it's become clear that it's not something I can defer to later, since "later" may not come for several years.

It's not at the same level as your dealing with, so I'm writing this mostly to offer support and to be glad that you've found some activities to help center you. I do encourage you to try to find some help, even if it's just for some small part of the care, like cleaning, shopping, bathing, whatever.

62, and caring for a couple of close family members with serious mental health issues.

It’s a good thing that my “not drinking” (for 44 years) also gives me a seriously good support structure. I have a lot of engagement outside the house, but my family members almost never leave the house.