Why do we need to be normal anyway? Why can't we just be unique?
replies(4):
"Just be yourself" is only good advice for people whose 'self' is acceptable and well-functioning.
I'm going to commit suicide. I've known this for the last 15 years. It'll probably be another 10 years before I'll die, but I know my end is half laying down with a 1.5 inch nylon strap tied cinched on my neck and a tree trunk in the dead of night so that no one will be able to find me in time. The reason I haven't is because I'm taking of elderly relatives, but they are the only reason I'm still here.
That's the real me. The one that looks forward to dying even though there doesn't seem to be any reason why I want to die.
I wonder how many in this thread would be utterly horrified by this vs accepting of this.
What you have is mental illness. A healthy brain does not decide to kill itself. Please get help and do NOT wait for your elderly relatives to pass before making the call.
Why are you so certain? 15 years is a long time to look down that barrel why do you deserve that?
And hence why as is often the point, being unique isn't a desired thing. Because most people don't want the frightening unfamiliarity.
But my best attempt would be to say... There hasn't been any contraindications to make me think that think that suicide isn't the correct choice in the end. It feels right to me.
The term "mental health" is quite terrible because what are we using as a baseline for "healthy" when we throw that term around? No one can answer that. I don't think everyone using that term is being malicious but they don't realize how patronizing it is.
Get off of internet forums and seek medical help. Your loved ones would tell you the same thing.
What about people that give their lives to save others? Are they mentally ill as well?
And again this is what I mean. I don't have anyone close to me anymore outside of the ones in my care. That was a conscious decision to minimize any potential collatoral harm when I do die.
My previous friends have drifted off over the last 15 years from me intentionally neglecting those relationships. I have never had intimate relationships with anyone, I haven't spoken to my sibling in 22 years, and most of my kin lives continents away and to whom I have never even seen in my life.
Who exactly are these loved ones you think exist?
What gets to be a tired argument is with people that seem to believe that the former is the only possible explanation, and refuse to believe that the latter is even a possibility. For them I think the problem is that challenges the belief that life is to be held upon a sacred alter above all, and that such a belief is held to be a universal truth.
It's hard to step away from such a belief because it opens an uncomfortable door in asking what makes being alive to be preferable, who gets to decide that, and what if anything should be done about it.
The answer: "elderly relatives" "My previous friends" "my sibling" "my kin"
When you say, "That was a conscious decision to minimize any potential collatoral harm when I do die", it tells me that you were suicidal first, and lost contact with your friends and family second. You have all of those connections, and they will be devastated to learn that you took your own life without reaching out for help.
(I'm ignoring the first two paragraphs you posted - it's just pointless argumentation on your part that doesn't have anything to do with your illness.)
No you're not ignoring it because it's irrelevant. You're trying to do so because you're afraid of what you'll find if you did seriously try to answer it. Because it brings shakes a foundational idea that human life is to be held sacred above all.
And that's fine, I'm not asking you to change your world view. What is irritating to me though is that you're inventing a carracature of me that doesn't exist.
Those connections that imagine exist, don't. The elderly relatives are the only ones that know I still yet live, and once they pass I too shall end.
But the kin you think cares about me, I can assure you, doesn't. We may share ancestors but that is all. They're all continents away, most don't know inexistance and none even know my name.
And the friends that I had were only due to proximity from school or work. How hard exactly do you think it was for me to cut them out of my life?
Because all I had to do was.... Nothing. I did nothing and they disappeared like the mist in the wind. We were never close. I never learned what their favorite food was, or when their birthday was, or the names of their spouse or children.
Perhaps they would be sad if they learned I passed. But who's going to tell them when they are in effect strangers to me now? I city I live in has hundreds of suicides a year and there's nary ever a whisper about it.
So again, what loved ones?
Of the arguments you think I'm afraid of:
1. A person sacrificing their life for others is not mentally ill (assuming the sacrifice directly achieves the goal - i.e. taking a bullet for someone). It's an action which proves how much they value the lives of others. ...which has nothing to do with your suicide.
2. No species has evolved immortality because the goal of evolution is for each organism to live long enough to pass its genetic material to another generation. ...which has nothing to do with your suicide.
You gotta understand, I'm not trying to win an argument with you! If that was all I wanted, I'd wait 10 years and win by attrition.
Your brain is ill, and this then caused you to sever social connections and become suicidal. I am telling you to seek medical advice from medical professionals.
You claim to be operating just fine, so how about you go verify it in person with a doctor? Tell them what you told me, and see which of us they agree with?
If you don't, then we know which of us is "afraid".
Between him and the psychiatrist he got involved in my case I was on paxil, zoloft, lexapro, and prozac for about 4 years with no effect. And I did follow dosages correctly according to instructions. No change in my mindset, just the unpleasant side effects when we changed or discontinued my medications.
The family doctor eventually retired and the psychiatrist said that there was not much else that could be done. And that was the last time we met.