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    Maybe you’re not trying

    (usefulfictions.substack.com)
    448 points eatitraw | 14 comments | 16 Nov 25 10:14 UTC | HN request time: 0.245s | source | bottom
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    yousif_123123 ◴[16 Nov 25 14:02 UTC] No.45945216[source]▶
    I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder.

    I wonder how much psychologically we can be more confident and less anxious when we're doing something for others vs ourselves..

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    1. y-curious ◴[16 Nov 25 14:36 UTC] No.45945439[source]▶
    People in the ADHD community are outspoken about a tangential concept: cleaning. Cleaning your friends place is a fun, novel, non-emotional activity. Cleaning your own space is a mental slog, boring and often painful due to having to rid yourself of mementos.

    In that case, my theory is that you get to shed your learned helplessness about how things look. I suspect it’s similar with giving advice.

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    2. blfr ◴[16 Nov 25 15:05 UTC] No.45945630[source]▶
    This is ozempic territory: a technical solution to your own shortcomings is most effective.

    I have solved all my issues with doing house chores with wireless headphones, tablet, and youtube @ 2x speed. Sure, it means that I can't load my dishwasher until I find something half-decent to listen/watch but once I do find it, I have 10-50 minutes of just pure closing. Dishwasher loaded, countertops empty, new load of laundry, dry clothes in the closet, gym bag packed, trash taken out. Frankly, kinda enjoy it now.

    replies(1): >>45945909 #
    3. sandyarmstrong ◴[16 Nov 25 15:09 UTC] No.45945647[source]▶
    A line I always remember (from Babylon 5) is: "When I clean my place, all I've done is clean my place. But when I help you clean your place, I'm _helping you_."

    tl;dr you should ask your badass partner for strategic help when the entire galaxy is under threat, even if she seems busy.

    replies(2): >>45946534 #>>45948759 #
    4. LtdJorge ◴[16 Nov 25 15:29 UTC] No.45945805[source]▶
    I have ADHD and I 100% feel like what OP describes. I’m always motivated when helping others, not so much for myself.
    5. hombre_fatal ◴[16 Nov 25 15:44 UTC] No.45945909[source]▶
    This is me. Finally buying some bluetooth headphones 15 years ago changed my life. I finally became a person who cooks every meal, cleans everything, does chores, and exercises daily, even pushes around the house.

    I like listening to debates since they are the most stimulating. So long as I can find a good one, I’m about to make dinner and unload the dishwasher.

    An audiobook that’s good enough can be so captivating that I run out of things to do while listening to it.

    I have pretty extreme adhd which might be related. But I’m just glad I bought those headphones back then.

    replies(1): >>45946144 #
    6. HWR_14 ◴[16 Nov 25 16:13 UTC] No.45946144{3}[source]▶
    What are the sources of stimulating debates you've found?
    7. mwcz ◴[16 Nov 25 17:00 UTC] No.45946534[source]▶
    Nice, what was the context of that line in B5? I don't remember it.
    replies(1): >>45947472 #
    8. dpark ◴[16 Nov 25 17:35 UTC] No.45946827[source]▶
    > Cleaning your friends place is a fun, novel, non-emotional activity. Cleaning your own space is a mental slog, boring and often painful

    “Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.” - Mark Twain

    9. Rotundo ◴[16 Nov 25 19:02 UTC] No.45947472{3}[source]▶
    S03E20 "And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place"

    Reverend Will Dexter: "You know before I got married Emily he used to come by sometime to help me clean out my apartment well I asked her how come here so he could help clean up my place when your place is just as bad she said because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a mess I made a mind and when I sweep my floor all I've done is sweep my floor but when I help you clean up your place I am helping you."

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    10. mwcz ◴[16 Nov 25 19:39 UTC] No.45947772{4}[source]▶
    Thank you, great episode!
    11. saltcured ◴[16 Nov 25 21:53 UTC] No.45948759[source]▶
    Helper, help thyself...?
    12. kronicum2025 ◴[16 Nov 25 23:27 UTC] No.45949416[source]▶
    What's the opposite? Where solving your problems is easy and but solving your friend's problems are very difficult because your advice are never relevant?
    13. mrsvanwinkle ◴[17 Nov 25 00:11 UTC] No.45949736[source]▶
    "other people's same problem easier" i see, but have never seen messiness as example at least in communities w adhd comorbid with depression. personally the concept of other people cleaning my private mess, even/especially if they are close family/friends is terrifying and already overloads my head and i can only project the same sentiment (and some extrapolation of my own experience helping friends/family with cleaning... it is super hard, we are talking about intruding on what the person values as trash or not trash, and that itself can be a source of great shame i.e. my mother who lived to much worse abject poverty than the children she helped raise with a better life. sorry for being dramatic about an otherwise straightforward point but yes in my experience that "cold" reduction of the problem into something actionable would be key, though people arrive there differently i noticed, e.g. me and my "armchair courage" that any unseen sideeffect is not my problem, for my mom (okay sometimes for me as well) it is about being able to forget that she has problems just by the appearance of having the luxury to give advice
    14. captainkrtek ◴[18 Nov 25 04:12 UTC] No.45961299[source]▶
    It’s true.

    My girlfriend and I both have ADHD and are medicated. I will run laps around her tidying up her place, but struggle at my own place.. its so hard to understand