Exquisite write-up and OP's simple writing has a motivating ring to it, and I'm now on the local used marketplace looking for pieces of tech like this :-)
Maybe you won't find an issue as simple as fixing a button, though.
Every laptop I've used with linux has had a few non-functioning buttons and keys. I think you underestimate the widespread issue.
Making a physical button work requires bloatware in your understanding?
> I'm happy not to have the pavlovian training that may some day cause me to click one of these things on someone's windows machine.
Do you know what you're trying to say here? I do not.
Some of the issue here is the keys themselves have almost no standardization, even across models. Hell, possibly in the same model sometimes. Some backend windows driver captures these signals via a 50 mile long series of if statements that make grown men weep when viewed. This later can mean your totally working fix for the kernel doesn't actually work on a 1/3rd of that fleet of laptops.
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I looked it up, the Human Interface Devices usage "Consumer Control" code assigned to "Application Launch - Calculator" is 0x0C0192 or 0x192
This keypress is sent as a scancode/keycode, not an ASCII character. On Windows, this opens calc.exe by default, but you can change which app opens in response to the calculator key by editing the media key mappings in the Registry