Charting Form Ds to roughly see the state of venture capital “fund” raising

I think the real real giveaway is that like 90% there's a big exit, it's an aquihire and the "product" is quickly dumped.

Yep. Many / most aquihires are pretty ugly financially. While the headline sounds impressive (“X startup acquired for $250M”) the reality is that with preferred cap tables and terms most folks see nothing and investors are merely trying to recoup some losses or make a modest (less than S&P500 index fund return) return on investment. It’s basically a fire sale to salvage what’s left from the wreckage.

Founders might get a little something and most shareholder employees get nothing.

Don’t they usually get a better stock package than the average new hire?

In my experience what the founders usually get is a bigger locked up retention package. The investors want the cash, and the acquirer wants the founders to stay.

The employees along for the ride on an acquihire? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends a lot on how generous the founder/target of the acquihire is.