My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

> The other day, someone told me, “I can’t imagine you ever being awkward with people.”

I was telling my therapist of several years recently about being uncomfortable with the number of new people I've had to meet recently.

He seemed surprised that I wasn't excited by it all and said something along the lines of "You seem like a very social person, that seems out of character." It struck me… am I really that good at masking that my therapist didn't realize I am absolutely terrified in near all social situations? I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years.

Working from home since COVID has made my social skills so much worse because I don't get the practice.

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years.

Forget small talk.

Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their side.

Need a cold opener? Get the party going with something you anticipate the majority of the people there would remember.

--

You: "Hey, does anybody remember the Blizzard of '96?"

Them: "Yeah! I remember they closed down all of Route 9!"

You: "Hell yeah they did. My family pulled me down the highway on a snow tube. I've gone tubing every year since. Any tubers here?"

Them: "No, but I love snowboarding."

You: "Nice. I was briefly obsessed with snowboarding after playing 1080 on the N64, but I was always too chicken-shit to try it. Where do you go snowboarding?"

Them: "Vermont. Where do you go tubing?"

You: "I used to do it over near that big hill by the library. Ever see that?"

--

Arm yourself with personal stories to make situations like this easier. People would rather interact with the guy always telling stories than the visibly-uncomfortable one sitting in the corner.

As someone who really struggled with social interactions (and still does at times, just not as bad), this fails already at the first two steps:

> Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears

How do I understand what is important? People say a lot of stuff, some important parts and some parts that are beside the point. Talking also involves identifying and reacting to the "important" bits, picking up the "wrong" stuff will be very weird. An exaggerated example:

> "We had a really bad traffic accident when we went to Sweden"

The obvious thing to engage with is the accident - but a struggling person might as well ask how they liked Sweden.

> When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote [...]

I really struggled to even notice when it's "my turn" to talk. Either interrupting the other person or awkwardly looking at them until I notice or the other person tries to recover the situation.