My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

> The other day, someone told me, “I can’t imagine you ever being awkward with people.”

I was telling my therapist of several years recently about being uncomfortable with the number of new people I've had to meet recently.

He seemed surprised that I wasn't excited by it all and said something along the lines of "You seem like a very social person, that seems out of character." It struck me… am I really that good at masking that my therapist didn't realize I am absolutely terrified in near all social situations? I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years.

Working from home since COVID has made my social skills so much worse because I don't get the practice.

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years.

Forget small talk.

Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their side.

Need a cold opener? Get the party going with something you anticipate the majority of the people there would remember.

--

You: "Hey, does anybody remember the Blizzard of '96?"

Them: "Yeah! I remember they closed down all of Route 9!"

You: "Hell yeah they did. My family pulled me down the highway on a snow tube. I've gone tubing every year since. Any tubers here?"

Them: "No, but I love snowboarding."

You: "Nice. I was briefly obsessed with snowboarding after playing 1080 on the N64, but I was always too chicken-shit to try it. Where do you go snowboarding?"

Them: "Vermont. Where do you go tubing?"

You: "I used to do it over near that big hill by the library. Ever see that?"

--

Arm yourself with personal stories to make situations like this easier. People would rather interact with the guy always telling stories than the visibly-uncomfortable one sitting in the corner.

I myself also tend to do that, but that is a behavior that is seen by the majority/"normal" people as non-social, unless if you already know them very well or if you are the one initiating the conversation.

Listening to people means that you actively listening and supporting them in their conversation, not bringing up your own angles to it. When you do that it is perceived by most people as you trying to one-up them in the conversation, instead of what you're actually doing.

In your listed example its fine because you started the interaction, but let's turn it around and say you walked into a conversation where people are talking about downtown in ABC. You want to participate and remember that there was a blizzard there in '96, so you bring that up.

Most people will see that as severe ADHD, why are we now talking about a blizzard from 1996? We were just talking about about how DEF is happening in ABC later this month?

Pivoting has the same problem, there are social cues that display your role in the group. Just walking into a conversation while trying to pivot it to your interests is in general quite rude etc.