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My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

(sashachapin.substack.com)
631 points eatitraw | 11 comments | 15 Nov 25 13:24 UTC | HN request time: 0s | source | bottom
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Aurornis ◴[17 Nov 25 20:24 UTC] No.45957863[source]▶
This post wasn't what I was expecting from the "socially normal" title. While there is a lot of self-reflection and growth in this piece, a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions.

Look at the first two subheadings:

> 1: Connecting with people is about being a dazzling person

> 2: Connecting with people is about playing their game

The post felt like a rollercoaster between using tricks to charm and manipulate, and periods of genuinely trying to learn how to be friends with people.

I don't want to disparage the author as this is a personal journey piece and I appreciate them sharing it. However this did leave me slightly uneasy, almost calling back to earlier days of the internet when advice about "social skills" often meant reductively thinking about other people, assuming you can mind-read them to deconstruct their mindset (the section about identifying people who feel underpraised, insecure, nervous,) and then leverage that to charm them (referred to as "dancing to the music" in this post).

Maybe the takeaway I'd try to give is to read this as an interesting peek into someone's mind, but not necessarily great advice for anyone else's situation or a healthy way to view relationships.

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testing22321 ◴[17 Nov 25 20:32 UTC] No.45957948[source]▶
The book is called “how to win friends and influence people”, after all.
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Aurornis ◴[17 Nov 25 20:35 UTC] No.45957985[source]▶
I read that book because it was on so many generic book recommendations lists.

It was less sleazy than I expected from the title. It actually had a lot of points about being genuine, being a good listener, showing respect to other people's opinions, admitting when you're wrong, being sincere, and so on. Decent advice, really.

A side benefit of reading it is you learn how to spot when other people are insincerely trying to use the tricks in the book against you. Once you see it, it's hard not to miss.

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1. koakuma-chan ◴[17 Nov 25 21:38 UTC] No.45958645[source]▶
I read that book and I think it's terrible.

Though the "God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence" was funny and I can relate...

but otherwise, I wouldn't want to live in a society where people are secretly hating you but "speaking ill of no man" a.k.a. "not criticizing."

I liked the book Winning by Jack Welch more, which advocates for "candor," and is essentially the opposite of How to Win Friends.

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2. warkdarrior ◴[17 Nov 25 22:20 UTC] No.45959043[source]▶
> I liked the book Winning by Jack Welch more

Jack Welch the sociopath?? Or is there another author with that same name?

3. lovich ◴[17 Nov 25 22:23 UTC] No.45959071[source]▶
The sociopath who destroyed GE in the quest for more money is someone I would only take social advice from if I was done with humanity and had started to use society for entirely selfish ends.

He got away with “candor” because he was at the top and anyone who disagreed with him was removed.

Honestly any self help books from people in unique positions in society trying to tell the common man how to improve always read to me as “my top 10 tips for winning the lottery: tip one buy a winning lottery ticket”

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4. ozim ◴[17 Nov 25 22:27 UTC] No.45959120[source]▶
Not criticizing is not for hiding fact you hate someone.

Not criticizing is about - you see someone slipping don’t call them stupid just move on.

Like if someone makes a typo in comment here on HN, no one writes how stupid they are because they might be on the phone having autocorrect breaking their typing. You don’t really show off how smart you are pointing out small mistakes.

Hating someone requires that they somehow wronged you. There was nothing in the book about being nice for someone who is swearing at you or punched you in the face.

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5. ghurtado ◴[17 Nov 25 22:42 UTC] No.45959249[source]▶
> Winning by Jack Welch

Why do I get the impression that this book is very much in line with Charlie Sheen's personal philosophy?

6. koakuma-chan ◴[17 Nov 25 23:38 UTC] No.45959740[source]▶
Do you think you are a common man? Are you content with it?
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7. koakuma-chan ◴[18 Nov 25 00:02 UTC] No.45959902[source]▶
Whether someone is swearing at me or punched me in the face is not a factor. I believe the point of the book is that criticism tends to be taken personally. I'm sure you can guess what that implies.
8. lovich ◴[18 Nov 25 00:26 UTC] No.45960044{3}[source]▶
Yes and yes.

I actually like being part of society and don’t need to feed delusions of grandeur to feel content.

Also I want to point out how I referenced his opinion as being like tips on winning the lottery. Getting to a unique position of power like that requires so much luck and other input that you have no control over that I view the “advice” on how to achieve it as useless and just the result of those people grappling with the cognitive dissonance of thinking they got to where they are on their own vs the actual reality

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9. avhception ◴[18 Nov 25 01:11 UTC] No.45960291{4}[source]▶
I think the whole "everyone's so very special" shtick that is so pervasive in children's stuff didn't do us any good. Being content with being just an normal everyday human is important.
10. koakuma-chan ◴[18 Nov 25 01:36 UTC] No.45960425{4}[source]▶
Arguably, you are the lucky one to be able to be a part of society in a way that you are also content with it.
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11. lovich ◴[18 Nov 25 01:59 UTC] No.45960552{5}[source]▶
You asked about this in a specific context.

There are lots of things I am not content with. Some I think are reasonable and won’t change my mind are. Others are irrational and I believe an aspect of maturing is becoming content with the fact that those feelings are irrational and I shouldn’t be unhappy because of it.

The example I use in conversation with friends in this topic is that when I am hungry and pass by someone with a nice steak, I don’t get in a tizzy about not having it myself the same way I would when I was 5.