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Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

(bessstillman.substack.com)
461 points LaurenSerino | 1 comments | 18 Sep 25 14:17 UTC | HN request time: 0.202s | source
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donatj ◴[18 Sep 25 15:50 UTC] No.45291164[source]▶
One of my best friends died 12 years ago in our late 20s. I know he is dead, and yet a couple times a month I think, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in a while, I should text him!" before my logical brain kicks in and lets me know the deal.

There is a dumb part of me that wants to believe, "Oh, he probably faked his death to get out of debt." He was such a schemer, if anyone would, he would. It was an open casket funeral. I know he is dead.

It's not a disorder. I just have mental pathways built that lead to a person who was integral to my life for many years, a person who does not exist on this plane anymore. I want him back in my life. Death is just difficult.

He was a genuine source of both encouragement and constructive criticism the likes I have had not had before or since. I miss you, Meka.

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drivingmenuts ◴[18 Sep 25 16:36 UTC] No.45291752[source]▶
My best friend of 25 years died 4 years ago and I still think of him at least once a week, wishing I could talk to him. It was almost a year before I could even talk about him without completely breaking down. I never once thought: "oh, this is a medical issue". It was just me having the same problems processing my grief that American men have because we're not raised to talk stuff out. Once I did start talking about it, it got easier and easier to deal with.

I still miss that guy, though.

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1. bitexploder ◴[19 Sep 25 14:28 UTC] No.45302061[source]▶
Grief is a very difficult emotion and I like the analogy of it being a deep ocean. When you experience profound grief you are dropped almost immediately into that ocean. If it is your rodeo with grief you don’t know how to swim. You don’t know where you are. You are in an endless night of depth. You may not even know you are in the ocean at first. Your brain is simply drowning. Some constant in the mind’s universe has changed. Abruptly.

I don’t believe, completely in the narrative of American men not taking stuff out, but it is a factor. The underlying issue for not talking stuff out is ensuring you feel understood. That you are not alone in this experience. That grief is okay, normal. That you have been taught a life philosophy that encompasses grief. That it can exist without consuming all. It helps anchor these powerful emotions. There are other ways to achieve this, everyone will have their own strategies. I do think you have to have a philosophy and process to handle grief however you do it.

I believe in acknowledging grief and practicing Stoic style thinking to stay present. It really helps me to acknowledge the moment is precious. Wrenching on a car with a buddy. Sitting at the dinner table with your family. Acknowledge how special that is. That it won’t last forever. Cannot. Tell them and yourself how special it is. Visualize life without that moment anymore. Bring a little grief to the every day and present as a part of our human condition. It is okay! It is not spoiling the moment if you are using that emotion to fully experience the present.

Grief as many people experience and process it is almost always the past. Even simply acknowledging it as the powerful force in our mind can help tame it. Observe the grief so to speak, see it as an observer. I am glad you found your way. Everyone should think about grief and talk about it. Just part of us.