←back to thread

Why We Spiral

(behavioralscientist.org)
318 points gmays | 4 comments | 14 Sep 25 14:46 UTC | HN request time: 0.818s | source
Show context
t43562 ◴[14 Sep 25 15:58 UTC] No.45240817[source]▶
I think it's useful to try to always assume the best from others:

  - If they aren't being friendly this will irritate them in a way they cannot object to too openly.
  - If they are friendly it will avoid damage and even start an upward spiral.
When you're not feeling good enough it's sometimes helpful to remember that even people who create negative impacts often get into positions of power and stay there for one reason or another. i.e if they can do something very badly then why are you so worried about whether you are worthy?

Finally, remember that lots of people feel like you - so try to do little things that start them on an upward spiral. The more you do this for other people, the more they will be glad to see you.

replies(6): >>45241281 #>>45241386 #>>45241540 #>>45241614 #>>45242466 #>>45243154 #
1. 47282847 ◴[14 Sep 25 17:04 UTC] No.45241386[source]▶
I generally agree but in my experience it becomes more complex when you cognitively decide on one thing (to assume the best), but don’t feel it. How you feel influences how it’s going to happen in major and in subtle ways. Your return friendliness may be received as snarky or sarcasm, or at least detected as insincere, to give one example.
replies(1): >>45242059 #
2. t43562 ◴[14 Sep 25 18:21 UTC] No.45242059[source]▶
In my experience you can only moderate your response. So you cannot pretend to be very pleased when you're 90% certain that someone has been very rude to you but you can avoid an immediate angry response and give yourself time to think. I sometimes feel that I'm being put upon at the moment and then later think perhaps not - I'm always glad when I manage to restrain my initial reaction.
replies(1): >>45247679 #
3. 47282847 ◴[15 Sep 25 09:13 UTC] No.45247679[source]▶
The main point I wanted to make is that if you only assume the best but don’t actually believe it, you might think their reaction to your (pretended) niceness “confirms“ your assumption, where what it actually confirms is your belief and not their original intent.
replies(1): >>45248539 #
4. t43562 ◴[15 Sep 25 11:43 UTC] No.45248539{3}[source]▶
Yes, knowing anything for certain is difficult so it's worth always harbouring a little doubt about both positive and negative conclusions.

Dzerzhinsky liked to say "Trust but verify", and I think that sums it up - if you look at the world entirely from his point of view, head of the Soviet secret police, then you will suspect everyone and if you act on that you'll end up hurting lots of innocents in amongst the people who would really do you harm. If you're in a situation where this is a good survival strategy it seems to me that one should try to leave rather than play the game.