I know there are comments here ridiculing the OP about posting this. Some asking OP to be stronger. All I want to say is posting something like this takes way more strength than what those commenters will ever allow themselves to experience. Expressing is a way of healing and no the internet is not a cold dry space. It is a place of feeling humans who could all use encouragement to show vulnerability like this. I don’t know if OP got some healing from this but a lot of similarly lost readers felt a little less alone.