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179 points esher | 9 comments | 25 Jun 25 19:42 UTC | HN request time: 0.015s | source | bottom
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tonymet ◴[25 Jun 25 21:37 UTC] No.44382041[source]▶

  There was a dream that was having a social life. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile.

  -- Marcus Aurelius
Relationships and things that matter are spontaneous. When you try to optimize them into calendars, checklists & databases -- they become lame and fall apart.

It's half the reason people aren't social. They try so hard to "schedule a meetup" and the meetup becomes work so people stop hanging out.

You're just supposed to show up at someone's house and do shit.

You don't make friends by agenda. You have cool experiences , build trust and develop a bond.

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al_borland ◴[25 Jun 25 23:31 UTC] No.44382780[source]▶
People are busy and can’t accommodate random pop-ins all the time. That is also a nightmare for certain personality types, and is often considered quite rude.

My dad is in his early 70s and still regularly gets together with people from all eras of his life, going all the way back to high school. Old neighbors, former co-workers and employees, and various others he met along the way. Unlike a lot of retirees, he has a rich social life and a packed calendar with dozens of close friends. This was all due to him regularly reaching out and scheduling a meal or activity, or just time to chat, over the course of his life. Friendships don’t just spontaneously last decades, they take effort, especially as people go through different stages of life.

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1. tonymet ◴[26 Jun 25 00:33 UTC] No.44383130[source]▶
that's part of the issue I'm raising. people pretending to be as busy as a surgeon. Even parents / grandparents are scheduling family visits with a calendar despite watching TV and golfing most of the time.

It's the corporatization of life that I'm protesting and we all participate. A total buzzkill

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2. al_borland ◴[26 Jun 25 01:17 UTC] No.44383360[source]▶
It’s not corporatizing, it’s simply respecting people’s time. Maybe I am just watching TV, but I’m doing that after a long day at work and don’t want an impromptu guest I need to entertain. Nor do I keep my house in a state to have company at the drop of a hat.

Drop ins were cool in college, but as an adult, it’s not so fun.

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3. tonymet ◴[26 Jun 25 16:05 UTC] No.44388714[source]▶
I have family with kids and their door is always open. They are very much adults with jobs, kids and other commitments.
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4. qualeed ◴[26 Jun 25 16:11 UTC] No.44388765{3}[source]▶
Good for them, but, as should be obvious from this thread, different people have different tolerances for "door always open" policies.

And, as also mentioned elsewhere in this thread, the tolerance will be significantly different for people I met a couple months ago and people who've been close family members for my whole life.

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5. tonymet ◴[26 Jun 25 18:23 UTC] No.44389936{4}[source]▶
you've got to embrace some discomfort to grow
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6. qualeed ◴[26 Jun 25 18:52 UTC] No.44390212{5}[source]▶
You have no idea who I am.

Just because someone isn't like you about open door policies doesn't mean they need to "grow". We're just different.

What a presumptuous thing to say.

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7. tonymet ◴[26 Jun 25 19:19 UTC] No.44390428{6}[source]▶
in english "you" means anonymous third person. Stop seeking anger
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8. qualeed ◴[26 Jun 25 19:46 UTC] No.44390624{7}[source]▶
It's not anger.

I just found your comment presumptuous, even if you meant it in the third person. Calling it out as such doesn't mean I'm "seeking anger".

People are different. No one, myself or anonymous third-persons, needs to "grow" because they have different tolerances than you.

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9. tonymet ◴[26 Jun 25 20:03 UTC] No.44390758{8}[source]▶
It's a general statement that the only way to grow is to seek discomfort. Your position as I understand it is that different people have different comfort levels with spontaneity . My position is that I understand that and see it as a blocker to socialization.

The core issue with scheduling life within your comfort zone is that it is inherently reductive, because you cannot plan out your relationships.

The most important things in your life will happen out of schedule.

So I get that you are more comfortable living according to a schedule. All growth comes from embracing discomfort.

Yes I'm presuming that I'm right about this fact of life.