After about two days of struggling and a $100 bill, I said fuck it, deleted my account and deployed to DigitalOcean’s app platform instead, where it also failed to deploy (the error was with my app), but I had logs, every time. I fixed it in and had it running in under ten minutes, total bill was a few cents.
I swore that day that I would never again use AWS for anything when given a choice, and would never recommend it.