"Somebody Tranq That Child!"

I used to be extremely angry when I had to spend some time around loud kids, especially misbehaving kids. Of course I never said anything but I was always fuming inside and wanted to scream at someone. Depending on the child age I was angry at the parent or both. Btw. I was also often aware that my anger is not rational.

Now I'm getting close to becoming a parent myself, and I think I'm suddenly getting much milder. Maybe there's a relation between child tolerance and being a parent? Or maybe it's just age.

My wife is prone to overstimulation when there's too many noises, especially if she's trying to concentrate on something, or there's other unexpected sensory stimuli (especially being bumped or jostled or sudden bright lights), or, weirdly, if she's dehydrated or overheated.

At first, I thought this was just her own idiosyncrasy. Then I realized that I'm also capable of experiencing the exact same thing, in very similar circumstances, albeit a little less prone.

The weird thing is that overstimulation often manifests first as irritation, and then as irrational anger. So many times when my previous understanding was "Oh I get really angry when this happens" or "Oh this sort of thing makes me really cranky", I've realized it's more helpful to frame it as overstimulation.

Why does the distinction matter? It has different solutions! (Irrational) anger mostly has the solution of just trying to get over it, take some breaths, calm down, logic through it. That's all very well and good, but if the source of the anger is repeated, you'll have to keep doing that the whole bus ride/airplane trip/waiting room duration. If you can realize that you're overstimulated, you can make a point of reducing stimuli: rehydrating (again, I can't emphasize enough how much of a mysterious correlation there is), and basically doing a bodyscan to figure out what stimuli you're experiencing and how you can reduce them. Creating darkness, putting on sunglasses, even just closing your eyes, adjusting your clothes or seat or position so you're not getting chafed or poked or pushed, earplugs obviously help with the child crying but they also reduce other noises that might be a big factor in your irritation, often taking off a layer so you're not feeling overwarm.

And it helps to reframe it as "Oh hey my brain is processing too many sensations at once and kind of throwing a tantrum" rather than "Wow I'm really shitty and selfish and judgemental when there's a noisy child." It's been a real change in perspective.

Once you have a kid you'll get mad that they don't know how to calm the kid down effectively, or seem to not want to put in the effort in many cases.

For example, when we went out to eat with our infant/toddler when she got bored I'd take her outside for a walk to calm her down. 2 - 5 minutes is enough.

Then you see parents just scrolling on their iPhone while the little one screams. If I wasn't a man and would have the police called on me, I'd ask them to do it myself.